Reliving and Relieving the Past...

Many Many Years ago, in a Small Town in Northeast Texas, my parents rented a duplex across the street from an Equally Small Presbyterian affiliated college. This was same year my older sister was born. And the same year my mother began to dream that maybe, just maybe, her daughter would attend that prestigious college across the street. Eighteen years later, it was me, not my older sister who left home in Austin to attend college at that Small College in the Small Town in Northeast Texas. For Four Years that College was my life. I Lived on campus like everyone else who went there at that time. I had an adoring, loving and considerate boyfriend and I made friends on my own for the first time since Junior High. I even joined a Sororiety...that is SO unlike me, but in those days it was THE thing to do. (NO this was NOT the 1950's by the way). The campus was quaint and charming. With magnificent shade trees and wonderul old buildings. The only draw back was the horrendous stench that sometimes wafted over the campus from the Purina Dog Food Factory just behind the college. At times the smell was so bad it would turn your stomach as you stolled across the grassy lawn to eat your meals in the Student Union. But I adored That Place. I loved the college life and was in mourning each summer while I waited to return to the campus and my dorm room. At the end of those 4 years, I graduated. I received a liberal arts degree with a major in History which was basically worthless despite the huge amount of money my parents had borrowed for me to go to this esteemed institution of higher learning. Also at the end of those wonderful golden 4 years, my adoring, loving and oh so considerate boyfriend dumped me. I was devistated. And after 4 years of college friends and fun, I was back in Austin. Alone, in debt, unable to find a decent job and massively depressed. I am not sure I ever fully recovered. Ok, Fast Forward to Present Day. I eventually lost contact with each and every dear friend I made during those four years. I finally paid off all the loans and got a half way decent job. And best of all I met and married a wonderful man whom I have been married to for almost 16 years. And Now. Now, I have been given the wonderful opportunity at work to return to this Small Northeast Texas Town for two days and one night. I tell my co-workers that this is Great. I tell my co-travelers We MUST go by my college and tour it. I tell myself, it will be a chance to walk down memory lane. Let me tell you about this Small Town. It is HUGE now!! They moved the main highway so that it bypasses the middle of town and as a result a whole New Middle of town has been created. With a Chilis, a Shlotzskeys, an Office Depot and a Starbucks!! During my work day, I quietly snuck away, alone in this Small Town, to drive by the old Small college of my youth. I am thinking "this will be great!!" Maybe the campus bookstore will be open and I can buy a souvenir. Maybe I will park and walk the tree lined campus like old times. I can Relive some good old memories. Even as I approach the school, I began to see the changes to my old stomping grounds. The old main road that crossed the railroad tracks and led to the college has now been elevated and turned into some sort of off ramp. The trees that lined that beautiful avenue are all but gone. So are many of the Beautiful old houses that once lined the street across from the campus. This isn't the "memory lane" I remember. I reach the college and see some familiar buildings...my old dorm and one of the neighboring dorms are still there. But the funny looking stucco monstrosity of a dorm that sat on the other side of my dorm is mysteriously missing. I round the campus on that same road my parents lived on many many years ago and realize the houses are no longer there. Not even the duplex they rented. All along the street are new college buildings. And a stadium. A REAL stadium with a brick facade and aluminum seats instead of wood. There is actually a separate soccor field!! They don't have to share the football field anymore. It's amazing. I keep driving. I round the corner with awe, seeing more and more new and big buildings. And Then Suddenly I see them. Those senior apartments my ex-boyfriend lived in the year he dumped me. Located at the back of campus...the apartments have been renovated and added on to, but some how they are still familiar. Why is that? I roll the window of my rented car down for closer inspection. These are not the ratty wooden buildings I remember. The design is similar, but other than that there is no resemblance. Yet they bring back such strong emotions. It's horrible. It's Horrible! It's a horrible smell coming through the window of my rental car. OMYGOD! The dog food factory is blowing it's stench my way. And suddenly I realize among alll the changes and improvements, one thing has remained the same. This Place Stinks!! And suddenly I feel a weight drop from me. What was I thinking? I can never go back. But do I need to? NO!! Do I want to? No, not really. Then as I drive by those stinkin' apartments I shoot the finger. At those apartments, at my ex-boyfriend, at my feelings of loss. These weren't exactly the memories I wanted to relive, but these are the memories I am finally and thankfully relieved from.